Dear Koren,
I am very put out right now and regret the day I introduced my brother to his wife. She was my friend and was always pretty and stylish and I introduced them and they got married. But now, I don’t like how things are going. My brother works really hard to provide for his family, but his wife likes expensive things, and it’s causing a lot of stress. My brother works long hours and is always tired because he’s trying to make enough money to buy his wife all the fancy things she wants. He never seems to have any time for himself, and it’s starting to worry me. I can see how tired and stressed he is, and it breaks my heart. I’ve tried talking to my brother about it, but he always brushes it off and says he’s fine. But I can tell that he’s not happy. I just want him to know that it’s okay to take care of himself too, and that he doesn’t have to work himself into the ground just to make his wife happy. How can I help my brother see that his own well-being is important too? And how can I talk to his wife about being more understanding and appreciative of all the hard work he does for their family?
Concerned Sister
Dear Concerned Sister,
I can understand how you would feel badly to see your brother work hard and you feel a sense of responsibility because you introduced him to the lady, who became his wife. It’s never easy to see a loved one struggle, especially when it seems like their efforts aren’t being fully appreciated – but maybe how it looks like to you is not how it feels to him. While it’s natural to want to intervene and help, it’s also important to approach the situation with sensitivity because you might end up causing disruption in their marriage, especially if the wife thinks he complained to you. Maybe the man is comfortable and the benefits he is getting from the relationship is worth the two jobs and sacrifices.
Generally, I usually suggest that people have open and honest conversations with their loved ones when there is a concern, but you seemed to have already tried that. Maybe you can make one more attempt; start by expressing your love and support for him and letting him know that you are genuinely concerned about his wellbeing because he is working a lot. Encourage him to prioritise his own needs and self-care, reminding him that his happiness and health are just as important as providing for his family’s material desires.
If he says he is fine, then maybe you need to just leave it alone. He is an adult and capable of managing his own life. If he does say he is concerned or stressed or asks for your advice, then you can suggest he have a discussion with his wife about their financial priorities and goals as a couple. Suggest exploring ways to find a balance between meeting her desire for luxury items and ensuring that he’s not overextending himself in the process. Enocurage him that they should work together as a team to create a budget and financial plan that aligns with their values and long-term aspirations.
As for approaching his wife, if you are not close friends, I don’t see that you have any right to really confront her about her spending. Your concern might come across as judgmental or intrusive. Even if you are close, I just don’t think it’s a good idea to approach her. Talking to your brother is enough.
At the end of the day, it’s up to your brother and his wife to communicate openly and make decisions that are best for their relationship and family. Your role as a supportive sister is to offer guidance, encouragement, and a listening ear if your brother needs you. Love has boundaries and we have to give people space. So trust that your brother and his wife will find a resolution that works for them in the end.