Dear Koren,
I’ve been an avid reader of your column for years and I like the way you address the topics and give good advice. Well now I’m seeking your guidance on a rather sensitive matter.
I am a woman in my mid 50s, happily married for over two decades. Lately, I’ve been experiencing feelings of attraction toward younger men, and it has left me feeling confused and somewhat guilty. I can’t help but wonder if this is some sort of midlife crisis or if it’s a passing phase. It just happens so randomly.
I love my husband, and we’ve built a life together filled with love, we have children and we have some good experiences. It’s not perfect, but he is supportive and caring, and I never thought I’d be questioning my feelings like this. I find myself drawn to the energy and vibrancy of younger men, and it’s really messing with my head.
I am so curious and know I should not explore these feelings but I am obsessing about it. I worry about the impact it could have on my marriage because all of a sudden I’m noticing my husband’s aging. Could this be a midlife crisis, or is it something deeper that I need to address?
I need advice on understanding these feelings and to know if I should free up and try something without causing harm to my marriage.
Signed by
Someone wanting a bit of adventure and freedom
Dear Lady who is married and wants to be 55 and free-ish:
Firstly, thank you for reaching out and being brave enough to share your concerns. It takes courage to explore our deepest thoughts and feelings and call them out for what they are. Many people are not able to do that.
What you are feeling is more common than you think. It’s just that we speak about and focus on the male side so much, that many people don’t know that women also can notice younger men, can become distracted and can feel adventurous. Most women just don’t act on it because of their religion, societal standards or just to not damage their primary relationship.
Attraction to younger persons can be physical or sometimes just the whole energy that reminds us of what we once had, what we miss and maybe what we wish we could capture again. Many of us spend so much time working and doing other important things and don’t spend enough time having fun and doing what we really want and then we reach a stage in life where we long for what we could have had.
Now, about the allure of younger men – who could blame you? Their exuberance, infectious energy, and maybe even the absence of wrinkles are undeniably attractive. It’s like being drawn to a freshly baked batch of cookies – tempting, warm, and a departure from the usual routine. However, the downside of eating them – the guilt, weight gain, and feeling sick are not worth it.
Instead of doing something that you will regret and that will hurt your husband, possibly children and yourself, see how you could inject some zest into your life – get some new clothes, start a new hobby, change your hairstyle, go on fun dates with your husband, dance at home or hang out more with your children. Connect with your youthful spirit.
Attractions and feelings will come and go but the solid foundation you have with your partner sounds like it is not something you want to shake up. Find a way to have more fun in the marriage; you never know, maybe he is wanting the same thing.
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