Dear Koren,
Is it okay that my mother keeps treating my boyfriend like her errand boy? She spoil her two low-life sons so they don’t help her and her brother doesn’t have a vehicle so my boyfriend gets called too much. Imagine you lying in bed on a Sunday morning at 7am with your man and his phone rings and it’s your mother telling him her gas finish and she can’t cook. Shouldn’t she have called me to ask him? He worked so hard to get her approval that he does not want me to say anything. He says it’s fine but I think I need to set boundaries. Please give some feedback.
Dear daughter and girlfriend,
It sounds to me that your guy and your mom have a mother-son type of relationship. I hope he is helping her because he wants to and not because of fear or just wanting to be accepted by her. Maybe you can look at it from another point of view – you have a kind and helpful man in your life and that is a good thing.
I don’t think your mom should need to go through you to ask him for favours if they have established their own friendship. They are both adults and you know the nature of the relationship. She is your mother and not an ex or anyone with whom you are competing for his affection or attention.
Anyone setting boundaries should be him. If he says it is okay, then trust his judgement and respect his rights. He will feel like a boy if you tell him what to do and you do not want to emasculate him. If she was calling a house phone and it was disturbing you, then boundaries could be set. However, she is calling his phone and it’s him to decide what he wants and doesn’t want.
The bigger issue I’m seeing here is about your relationship with your mother. What is going on there? You mentioned her spoiling your brothers and you don’t seem to be too sympathetic to her cause. I would advise you to explore how you feel about her, spend some time finding out what her needs are and perhaps how you as a daughter can be more helpful. I don’t think she would call the boyfriend if she had what she needed when she did.
You can also have a sit-down with your brothers at her home and have her tell you how she needs to be supported and y’all can divide up the tasks. A woman with adult children should not have to be asking for help as much as you say she is asking, especially from someone who is not her family.
Something in this picture needs to be fixed and I suggest you look at that in the first instance, rather than telling your boyfriend what to do or setting boundaries with her for calling him.
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