Dear Koren,
I am reaching out to you and right now my head is spinning. My 15-year-old daughter just disclosed to me that she think she might be a lesbian. I think she had to force herself to tell me because we had a big argument over a bunch of clothes I bought for her when I was away in August that she hasn’t been wearing. She told me she not gonna wear them, I don’t know her style, I want her to be like me and best I give her the money to buy clothes that she likes.
She came back later and apologised and told me that I don’t really know her and if I don’t notice she never had a relationship and that she has no interest in boys.
To be honest, it had crossed my mind before from how I see she carried herself because I myself have carried a secret for years. I too have feelings for women. I got married and had two children because it was the thing to do back in the day as I was raised in the church.
I love my child and would accept her as she is but the world is a cruel place and I’m not sure if to tell my husband, or if to ask her to just toe the line until she is old enough to know what she really wants.
Her discussed just stirred up a lot in me and the years of suffocating myself, enduring things I had no interest in and just living a lie. Life is not easy for people who are different in our small country. Please tell me how to handle this situation.
Mother
Dear Mother,
You are so right. Life is not easy for people who make choices that land them in the minority. It takes a lot of guts for a teenager to share that kind of thing with her mother. Consider yourself lucky, because these young people often prefer to share with their friends more than their parents.
Even though her disclosure was born out of frustration, it’s good that she told you how she feels. I would not encourage you to tell your husband unless she gives you permission to. It is her life and her story and I think she should get to decide who knows.
If it was something that had legal or safety implications, I would say go right ahead, but a matter of personal sexuality and choice should not be shared with anyone else. She trusted you with that information.
I also understand how this could bring up feelings for you. I get the impression that you buying her what might have been ultra-feminine clothes might have been you subconsciously trying to deny what you saw or observed in your child.
If you yourself had those feelings or inclinations, then you might have recognised in your daughter’s mannerisms, choices or behaviour that she was not interested in males.
Let your daughter know that she can always come to you to talk or share. Be as non-judgmental as possible and listen to her feelings, concerns, etc. You could even offer her the services of a therapist so she could have a private conversation. You can let her know that she has to think carefully how she wants to proceed as every decision and action has consequences.
Please also take some time to reflect on your own life; the choices you made and also the sacrifices. I am not going to tell you to make any major changes, but consider what makes you feel like you are living your life genuinely, especially taking your religious beliefs and mental wellbeing into consideration.
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