Dear Koren,
I am writing to seek your advice on a funny situation. For the past few years, I have been helping and caring for an older lady in my village. She has always been kind to me, and I consider her a dear friend; sometimes I would read scripture and sing with her and take her fruits from my yard. When she sends me out, she lets me keep the change or buy extra for myself. Recently, she made a rather surprising proposal: she wants me to move in with her and take care of her full-time, promising to leave me her house when she passes away.
I am very shocked and flattered by her offer but I am also conflicted because she has two children, both of whom I know well as we all grew up in the same village. They live elsewhere and do not visit as often as she would like them to but they are still her family. I worry about the potential complications this arrangement could cause with them, especially if or when the old lady is no longer with us.
Also, I have my own concerns about whether I can give her the level of care and attention she truly needs. While I am more than willing to help her, moving in and becoming her primary caregiver is a big commitment. I have my own life and responsibilities, and I am worried that her expectations might change. Should I discuss this with her children? What should I do in this situation here?
Concerned friend
Dear Friend,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your situation with me. It sounds like you have a kind heart and a genuine concern for the well-being of your elderly friend. I understand how you would feel conflicted, given the nature of the situation.
First of all, I think you need to reflect on your own life and responsibilities carefully to see if you have the time, energy, and emotional capacity to take on the role of a live-in caregiver. Consider both the immediate and long-term implications of such a commitment. Have an honest conversation with your friend about your concerns. Discuss your ability to meet her needs and clarify what she expects from this arrangement. It’s important to ensure that both of you are on the same page. You don’t want a situation where she expects more than you are willing to give and she keeps reminding you of what she has offered.
Because her children are her next of kin and you all have known each other for a long time, it seems like they should be involved in the discussion. However, is this lady is of sound mind and is speaking to you in confidence, then you cannot betray her. It’s just that if later on, the house is indeed left for you, they might have any issue with that. It’s therefore wise for the lady to consult with a legal professional to ensure that any agreements are clear and legally binding. This will help protect both you and her and prevent future misunderstandings or disputes.
The final decision is up to you. Just know that once you move in, the nature of the relationship changes to a closer one and it is likely to be more demanding on your time. If you have any doubts at all, then clear them up. If her terms are not comfortable, then decline the offer. At the end of the day, I hope the loving relationship you share does not change whether you decide to move in or not.
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