Dear Koren,
I have been debating whether to write your column for a while because I know the person who I am writing about reads it and will recognise himself and I will be punished for it. I have a child with someone who is very popular and he is nothing at all as he portrays himself in public. He is verbally and physically abusive to me but very good with our child. When I see the extent of his vindictiveness and inability to control his anger, I wonder if it is safe to have my child around him although as I said he has been good with the child so far. I also wonder what I need to do to ensure this boy does not become like his father. I know you would be staying, why stay with him if he is like that? Well I am planning to leave the relationship when I am able to be more financially independent but I just need to know how to keep my son from being him and how to cope until I leave.
Dear Writer,
Based on your email it seems like you are in quite a dilemma. I would not advise anyone to stay in an abusive relationship because you have no idea what the abuser will do next, and when. Your safety, happiness and wellbeing is soooo important. You also seem to be very concerned about your son and one of the best things you can do for him is to be mentally and emotionally well enough to take care of him. Children sense things.
I understand your need for financial stability, so please make a plan. Granted you might not be where you want to be, but consider if you have to scale back on some expenses or get some help from your support system. When we are pushed against a wall, we learn to survive on little. Imagine your life depended on it. I really can’t find it in my heart to tell you how to stay and cope in an abusive relationship. Every instinct in me wants to tell you to leave immediately. His father will be obligated to provide financial support for him. Please contact the Directorate of Gender Affairs for more guidance.
As it relates to your son, always have age-appropriate open communication with him and encourage him to express his feelings. Also, ask often what his day was like so he gets in the habit of sharing facts with you also. This way, he will share information with you and you can assess how he is being affected. Please do not bad talk his father to him.
Make sure you surround him with positive role models so in the event his father behaves badly at some point, the good he sees and hears will far outweigh any negative and he will learn positive behavior. Try to ensure that the home environment is stable and loving so that he has consistency and structure. Those are so important. If you see any undesirable behaviors emerging in him, talk to him or seek professional help.
The quality of your life matters and how your son is raised matters. We do know that environment is as important as genes so you have a very good chance that your boy will turn out just fine. Please make your wellbeing a priority, too; no one should be punishing or abusing you. It is wrong; you know what you need to do, so gather your support and do it.
Send your questions and comments to [email protected]. Read old articles on our askkoren app. Your confidentiality is assured.