Dear Koren,
I have been dating my girlfriend for two years and sometimes I find she doesn’t think like a mature person. I am 14 years older than her but we get along okay. My only problem with her is that she is still too close to her ex-boyfriend family. She goes over to the house where his parents, sister and son live almost every weekend. Her excuse is that they were there for her when she needed them and her ex does not live there so it shouldn’t matter to me. In my humble opinion she does not need them because she has me and my family and her own family. How can I get her to see that she needs to cut the ties from them because it is not healthy for her to be clinging to them and not moving on?
Dear Boyfriend,
Relationships are not always easy, no matter how much you love the person. Add to that a significant age gap, an ex-partner and two strong-headed persons and you have quite a pepperpot. It’s understandable that you might feel uneasy about your girlfriend’s continued closeness with her ex-boyfriend’s family, especially if it seems excessive to you. I’m also certain that you are concerned about her “bumping into him” over there.
Your girlfriend’s connection to her ex-boyfriend’s family may run deeper than you realise, and it’s not uncommon for people to maintain relationships with their ex’s family members, especially if, as she says, they have been there for her when she needed them.
Instead of pushing her to sever ties with them, consider having an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend about how she feels and try to understand what it is she gets from that family. You might discover it has nothing to do with the guy, but she and the family members just click. Would you want her to throw away friends who help her to feel supported and with whom she has meaningful relationships just because she used to date a family member?
I’m getting the impression that you are using your age as a justification to think that your point of view is superior or you are the mature one. Not everything is about age; some choices are just about preference. You might be coming across as controlling when you are trying to pick and choose who your girlfriend spends quality time with.
If she is not disrespecting you or having inappropriate boundaries with her ex-boyfriend, then just let her be. She could have been friends with a family who she never dated anyone in there, but they were a horrible influence. You have to learn to pick your battles and not everything is worth fighting over.
Together, you and her can explore potential compromises or boundaries that would make you both feel more comfortable and secure in the relationship. Instead of asking her to sever ties, maybe she can limit her visits or involve you more in her interactions with her ex-boyfriend’s family to alleviate any concerns you may have.
At the end of the day, building trust, open communication, understanding and compromise are important in any relationship. By approaching this issue with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to find common ground, you can work together to overcome this challenge and strengthen your bond as a couple.
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