Dear Koren,
I received a message from a girl I had a short relationship with about six years ago, and I am confused. She accused me of taking her virginity and not treating her with the consideration that is due when someone gives up such an important part of themselves (her words) and how she is in counselling now to deal with trauma. Miss, this girl never told me at the time that she was a virgin and I didn’t see anything to suggest that. Also, after a few times we hooked up, she ended it because she says I was not her type. Now to be contacting me to find closure as she says just confuses me. What am I supposed to do? Apologise? Please suggest some solution because I don’t need that negative energy in my life. I’m in a two-year, good relationship now.
Confused
Dear Confused gentleman,
I can imagine how disconcerting it must be for you to hear from this young lady after six long years. I am certain that if you handle the situation appropriately, it will not affect your current relationship. After all, you were not with your current partner at the same time and your past does not have to negatively impact your future.
It is common that when people are in therapy they explore issues that would have affected them in the past and also presently. Perhaps those early encounters, while consensual, might not have happened under circumstances that were ideal to the young lady and that could have affected her negatively. Upon reflection, she has probably wished she had waited or that the relationship and encounters would have been more meaningful.
I don’t believe it is anyone’s fault the way things turned out. You both did what seemed reasonable at the time, but now she is rethinking the situation.
I think you should answer her. Let her know that you acknowledge her message and while the relationship was consensual, you are sorry for any expectations of hers that were not met and for any trauma she might have experienced. It would be good to wish her well in her therapy and her journey of healing and hope she finds the closure she seeks.
After this, I do not believe that you are obligated to respond to any further messages. So, you can choose if to respond if she makes further contact or you can just acknowledge receipt but not to engage in a back and forth, ongoing situation.
The lesson here is that people’s perceptions of the same situation can be so different. So, going forward, just be as sensitive as you can with everyone you encounter, especially as it relates to intimacy and matters of the heart. Ensure there is communication and clear expectations as to what is being entered into.
Now would be a good time to have the conversation in your current relationship to ensure you are both on the same page, and that later on you are not blindsided.
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