Dear Koren,
I have custody of my three children and their father gets them some weekends and holidays. When we were together, he was so irresponsible and wasn’t working enough. Things have changed and I lost my job that used to pay well. Now he is making more money and he has a woman in his life who seem like a Christian, and the children like her. I want to ask him to take more responsibility and have them more so that I can work more and be less tired, but I am a bit nervous about how it will look to people as I was not easy on him when we had the separation. How do I approach him about taking them until I get back on my feet?
Proud woman
Dear Proud woman,
Wow … the tables sure have turned and that is just how life is. It sounds like you’re facing a challenging situation financially, and you seem stressed, but it’s commendable that you’re seeking ways to prioritise both your children’s well-being and your own need for stability.
There is no easy way to say this – you are going to have to eat humble pie.
First and foremost, it’s important to approach this conversation with your children’s best interests at heart. Focus on the practical aspects of the situation, such as your current job loss and the need for additional support during this period. It’s good that you’re seeking what’s best for them and that having more time with their father would provide them not only with material things but also with valuable opportunities for bonding.
When broaching the topic with their father, try to keep the conversation constructive and solution-oriented. Express your desire to work collaboratively to find a solution that benefits everyone involved. Acknowledge the positive changes you have observed in his life and relationship with your children, and highlight the importance of shared responsibility in co-parenting. Apologising for putting him through the wringer when he was down and out might also go a long way.
It would be nice if you had a conversation with the children before just handing them over to their father. You didn’t mention their ages, but leaving your home to go to another home and with a “step-parent” type influence in their life is a change. So, get their views and reassure them it is temporary and you will be in constant contact.
It’s normal to feel nervous about initiating this conversation, especially given past tensions between you and your ex-partner. However, focusing on open communication, mutual respect, and the shared goal of providing the best possible care for your children can help pave the way for a productive discussion.
Don’t worry too much about what others will say; after all, I don’t hear you saying that anyone is stepping in to help out. Pride goeth before a fall and so it’s not about how it looks to anyone else.
One thing though, make sure whatever arrangements you make are in writing so that when things get better and you want to revert to the original arrangement, it will not be a problem. I hope you also learn a valuable lesson that sometimes in this life, we can’t look down on people who are struggling, because we never know what position we will end up in.
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