Dear Koren,
I just started fifth form and I’m very frustrated about my parent’s expectations. I’m 16 years old and my mother told me at least three times, that she was 15 when she was in fifth form. They expect me to give up my phone at 7pm to study, I’m in two sets of after-classes and they constantly ask about school work. They have too much expectations and I feel pressured and anxious, and I’m more trying to please them more than anything, to be honest. I do want to do well but I hate the hovering and the drama every time I ask to go out. How can I get them to chill because it’s just too much, and I can’t take this until next June.
Student
Dear Student,
I have heard from other students as well about parents who are so focused on their children’s academic success that they lose focus of the need to pay attention to their total wellbeing. I do not think it’s deliberate at all. Your parents seem to want the best for you academically, because they might think that this is a way of you being able to go to college, or land a good job, or generally just be successful in life. Thy however seem not to be considering the other aspects of your life, and I can understand that that frustrates you.
I also heard you say that you feel anxious. Anxiety for a prolonged time is not good for your physical and mental health, so this issue needs to be addressed.
You have to help them to understand how you feel. Speak with them both at the same time. Explain to them that you appreciate their investment in you, their concern for you, and their support. Thank them for what they have done so far. Then tell them that you feel overwhelmed, pressured, and anxious, and you want to graduate from secondary school – you do not want to have a nervous breakdown.
Let your parents know that you also want to do well, but how you are operating now is not sustainable and you would like them to ease off a bit with the pressure. Prepare a more suitable schedule to share with them – one that includes some social time, enough rest, adequate study using a more balanced and holistic approach. Ensure your plan and goals are realistic.
It’s also important that you point out to them what kinds of comments break you down and which ones build you up. Explain that you want your self-worth and identity to be tied to more than academic performance, but to who you are as a person.
Continue to practice positive self-care, ensuring that you eat properly, rest, study and try to enjoy this last year of secondary school. It’s not about just gaining CXC subjects and pleasing parents (both of which are important), but also about enjoying the journey; your last school year with your friends, savour these youthful moments before the adult responsibilities come, and at the end of the day, know that it’s about doing your best and not being perfect. Your mental health matters.
Send your questions and comments to [email protected] and check out older articles on our askkoren app. Your confidentiality is important to us.