Dear Koren,
I think my wife has a problem but if I say anything it will go like every disagreement for the last 16 years we have been married; she will pick part of what I say, argue loudly about it, occasionally cry, accuse me of being whatever she read about lately, and then I will stop talking for peace sake and then eventually, we start talking about the children or her work and life goes back to normal. Anyway, the real problem is that, she has too many things in the house. She uses her own money to shop and she can afford it but I don’t think it is normal for someone to buy clothes every week in addition to all kinds of make-up and other things around the house. My clothes are not in our master bedroom closet because little by little they were put in a spare room. I think it is unhealthy and I’m wondering if other men complain of this and how do I bring it up without a dramatic response.
Husband to a shopper/hoarder/drama queen.
Dear Husband,
Oh yes, many men complain of their partner’s shopping and to be honest with you, it is so easy to shop now that more persons are doing it. Sit on your computer or phone and log into Amazon and just order, and in two weeks one of the local shipping companies deliver.
Shopping can be addictive – the high of getting a deal, the niceness of getting a package feels like getting a gift and using a card almost doesn’t seem like you are spending money. However, it adds up. More clothes than the person can wear and hardly any space to walk around the bedroom or house and the closet being dominated by the shopper.
Often, shopping addiction can hide another problem such as boredom, depression or dissatisfaction with some area of life. A person could be losing control in some area, be unhappy at work, in the marriage or even be suffering from bi-polar disorder, which can drive compulsive shopping.
I think it is important for you to start observing what she complains about, see what areas of her life she is dissatisfied with or watch her patterns to see if she seems depressed sometimes or extremely hyperactive.
If you are not a mental health professional, you might not be able to make a reasonable diagnosis. However, you might see some patterns. You can even come right out and ask her how she is doing and if anything is going on. Or, if you feel bold enough, you can mention that you notice she is buying a lot of things and you know she can afford it, but you’re wondering if she is feeling bored or feeling as if something is missing in her life.
Whatever you do, don’t say anything to make her feel ashamed of herself or judged by you. Based on previous history of handing conflict, try to be non-confrontational in your enquiry.
Suggest activities that are different – going to dinner, beach, watching old movies, going for walks, etc. I get the feeling if you two were to reconnect and pay attention to each other some more, the need for material things might diminish. If that doesn’t work, then she might need professional help.
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