Dear Koren,
Some time ago you answered a woman who was upset because her married man wife passed away and he wasn’t rushing to get close to her. Well I have the opposite problem. For the past three years, I’ve been involved with a man who was already in a relationship. We had a very passionate fling and enjoyed each other’s company, but I always knew he had a girlfriend. Surprisingly, this setup worked for me. I appreciated the space and independence in my life.
Recently, his girlfriend broke up with him, and now he wants us to be together full-time. While I care about him, I like my personal time and freedom and his girlfriend used to cook for him, do his laundry and do his little running around, etc. I don’t have time for all that, really. How do I communicate this to him without hurting his feelings or giving up on the good times we have? I don’t want to seem ungrateful because he has helped me but somehow this worked better when he was attached. Is something wrong with me?
Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
Girl, thank you for your honest and heartfelt email. It could not have been easy to admit that you operated as a side-chick. Your situation is not uncommon because some persons do prefer casual relationships without much obligation. Others can’t wait to be the main squeeze, but I hear you when you say you don’t want that right now.
Your feelings are valid and your preferences should be respected once you communicate them early and once you are transparent with the other person. Relationships come in many forms, and while I don’t support someone intruding on the relationship of others, it’s okay to prefer a relationship where you are not giving more of your time and energy than you are ready for.
You clearly valued the independence and the balance of having a partner without the full-time commitment and responsibilities that typically come with it.
When talking to him, be open about your feelings. Let him know that you want your independence and the dynamics of your previous arrangement. Emphasise that it’s not about him but about what works best for you. Also, know that if you are half-stepping, you can’t be mad at him if he decides to do the same.
Be sure to set boundaries by explaining clearly what you are and aren’t willing to do in the relationship. If taking on more domestic responsibilities isn’t feasible for you, he needs to understand that.
Explore other ways you can both meet each other’s needs. Maybe he can take care of some of the tasks himself or hire someone to help him with the chores. Relationships require compromise and understanding so it’s possible to find a middle ground where both of you feel happy and respected.
Let the gentleman know you still care about him and you want to find a balance that works for both of you. I really hope he did not leave that relationship for you because that might affect him.
Please also bear in mind that if he wants a full-on relationship, he might reject your part-time offer. In that case, if you cannot give him what he needs, then be prepared to let him go. You also have to think about your long-term romantic life. If you want a relationship that someday leads to marriage, then what are you prepared to offer?
So think about what you want now, and what you might want in the future, then have an open conversation with the gentleman. Remember, healthy relationships are built on honesty and mutual respect.
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