Dear Koren,
I’m getting married in December to the love of my life, but we’re facing a really strange situation that’s causing some tension with us. My fiancée wants her mother to walk her down the aisle instead of her father. Her parents are separated because her father cheated on her mother way back when and she still carries a lot of hurt from what happened. She says having her mother walk her is a way of honoring the woman who stood by her through everything. To be open with you, the mother and the father still talk; they are not enemies.
The problem is that I come from a very traditional background, and it feels wrong to me to not have her father do what should be his role. Her mother is also uncomfortable, saying she doesn’t want to take the father’s place. I’ve tried to explain my feelings, but she is being stubborn, saying this is about her feelings and her special day.
I don’t want to start our marriage on the wrong foot, but this doesn’t feel right. A woman cannot take a man’s place. Should I let it go, or should I insist that she follows tradition and give her father that honor?
Conflicted Groom
Dear Conflicted Groom,
Wow! I’m always interested to see how people handle differences and conflict before marriage because it often sets the stage for what will obtain after the wedding. I can see that tradition is important to you, but it is also apparent that you care about your partner’s happiness.
It’s natural to feel uncomfortable when something challenges what we’ve always believed to be right — I personally struggle with change, so I understand your reluctance. However, marriage is not only the merging of two lives but also of two worlds — each with its own history, wounds, and ways of seeing life. What may feel like a break in tradition to you might feel like a moment of healing and empowerment for your fiancée.
Walking down the aisle is a deeply symbolic act — not just about who gives her away, but about who has walked with her through the hardest moments of her life. If her mother was her rock during painful times, then perhaps this is her way of honoring that unwavering love.
At the same time, I hear your desire to ensure that the father-daughter bond is not disrespected. Since her parents are still on speaking terms, perhaps there is a way to honour both parents — allowing her mother to walk her halfway down the aisle and then her father to complete the journey or them doing it together. This could symbolize the support she’s received from both of them, even if in different ways. It would be a marriage of preference and tradition and also the beginning of you both learning to understand each other, compromise and work through challenges. Of course, she would have to agree to this willingly and not by force.
Ultimately, the greatest gift you can give your future wife is the space to make this decision for herself — not out of pressure or tradition, but out of what brings her peace. Trust that her healing will pave the way for the best version of the woman you’re choosing to marry.
That comment you made about a woman cannot take a man’s place, I need you to check yourself on that. Maybe a woman cannot take a man’s place but just observe your thought patterns to see how deep that goes and how that will influence your thinking as a husband and father. Marriage does not have to be built on history and old traditions – you can create your own reality as much as it is feasible. This may be your first opportunity to show her that, in your union, her voice matters and her feelings are safe with you. Her happiness is more important than tradition.
Wishing you both a beautiful wedding and an even more beautiful partnership.
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