Dear Koren,
I am not a young man at 58 but I am not a prude either, but some things are just too much. The fan in me and my wife room conked out one hot afternoon and I went to my daughter’s room to borrow hers. She was not at home so I went in and right at the side of the bed where the fan was I saw this very large sex toy. I was shocked that someone at age 22 would be using something like that and the other thing is that it is not even realistic in terms of average size. I told my wife she needs to have a discussion with her and she is saying she is not going to do that. I’m a man and cannot have that discussion with my daughter but it concerns me that she would violate herself like that. I didn’t mention before but we are also Christians. Please advice how we should handle this situation. By the way, I just left the fan so she didn’t know I saw this thing. I will await your advice and discuss it with my wife.
Concerned Father
Dear Concerned Father,
Thank you for writing about such a delicate situation. It’s clear this has deeply unsettled you as a father and as a Christian. First, let’s acknowledge the emotions you’re experiencing—shock, concern, and perhaps even disappointment. These are valid, given the unexpected nature of the discovery and the values you hold dear as a Christian family. However, it’s also important to consider that your reaction may be influenced by societal norms and personal expectations rather than any wrongdoing on your daughter’s part.
At 22, your daughter is an adult who is exploring her identity and autonomy, including her sexuality. While her choices may not align with your values or expectations, they are hers to make. The presence of the toy does not reflect her character, faith, or worth—it is simply a private item that, under normal circumstances, you would not have seen. Maybe it was even a gift from close girlfriends who might think it is funny.
Now, let’s address the question of whether to discuss this with her. In this case, I advise against initiating a conversation with your daughter about what you found.
Here’s why. First, it was an accidental discovery; You stumbled upon something private, not something she intended to share. Bringing it up may lead to embarrassment and potentially strain your relationship.
Second, it does not require intervention: This situation is not one of harm or danger; it is a personal choice that does not warrant parental correction.
Instead, I encourage you to focus on processing your feelings with your wife. While she may not share your concern, having an open and respectful dialogue about your emotions could help you feel heard and understood. Consider reflecting together on what truly matters: your daughter’s well-being, happiness, and safety. (Remember this is likely to be a solo activity).
If this discovery has raised broader concerns about your daughter’s values or lifestyle, the best way forward is to nurture your relationship with her. Maintain open, loving communication so that she feels comfortable sharing her thoughts and experiences with you voluntarily.
Lastly, I invite you to reflect on your role as a father and how your faith guides you. This moment may be an opportunity to practice grace, understanding, and unconditional love. Instead of focusing on the object you saw, focus on the young woman your daughter is becoming and the trust you want to maintain in your relationship.
If you have raised her with strong values, and those foundations will guide her as she deals with her feelings. Trust that, and trust her.
Send your questions and comments to [email protected]. Your confidentiality is assured.