Dear Koren,
I’ve been with my husband for eight years total, but married for six years, and I find he has gotten grumpy, emotionally abusive and very critical of me. He acts as if no choice I make is good enough. To be honest, he makes me feel worthless. After years of enduring this, I finally threatened to leave. That’s when he begged the most pardon, told me he loves me and promised to change. We have a four-year-old child together, so I hesitated, but I’m emotionally exhausted and no longer feel in love with him. He went to our pastor, who then called me. The pastor said since there wasn’t any physical abuse, I should give him another chance. I feel conflicted. I want my child to have both parents because I didn’t have that growing up but I can’t ignore my unhappiness. How do I deal with this situation? I don’t know if I can trust him to change, and I don’t feel in love with him anymore.
Lost and Confused
Dear Lost and Confused:
It’s not easy to feel like you have to choose between your own feelings and your child and family. That’s really a tough position to be in. Feeling conflicted between wanting stability for your child and addressing your own emotional exhaustion is a heavy burden to bear and I can understand why you feel confused. I appreciate the feedback you got from the pastor, but the pastor needs to hear your side of the story too. The timing of your husband going to the pastor is a little suspicious to me as it seems he was just looking for someone to be on his side. That is not really fair to you. There are a few things to consider as you move forward:
Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, even if it’s not always visible. If your partner’s behavior makes you feel worthless or consistently belittled, that is not healthy for you or your child. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued. Consider how this situation is impacting your mental health. Being in an environment where you are unhappy or emotionally drained can affect how you parent and function day to day.
While your husband has promised to change, words alone aren’t enough. Does he genuinely understand the emotional impact he’s had on you? Real change requires more than just promises—it involves taking steps to make amends for his behavior, acknowledging how it affected you and working on whatever issues he has that caused him to be emotionally abusive in the first place. I am all for second chances, but please ask him to do the deep work and observe his commitment.
Take time to evaluate how you feel without external pressure, including the pastor’s perspective. Sometimes, others may not fully understand the depth of emotional pain caused by non-physical forms of abuse. Trust your instincts. The decision to stay or leave should be based on what supports your emotional well-being and creates a stable, loving environment for your child. Not feeling in love does happen because love is not just a feeling, but a decision and an action and a choice to ride out the storms together. If the abuse has stopped, I think you can consider giving it some time and engaging in activities that serve to rebuild the relationship.
Ultimately, the decision is deeply personal. Your feelings are valid, and your happiness and emotional safety matter. Take time, lean on professional support if available, observe his behavior, attend to your own emotional health and make choices that honor your well-being and that of your child.
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