Dear Koren,
I’m writing to you today because I’m feeling completely fed up and frustrated. My wife and I are in our 60s and in spite of all the years we’ve been together, it feels like we can’t leave anything in the past. Every time we have a new argument, old issues resurface, no matter how much time has passed since they first happened. It’s exhausting. Nothing ever seems to get resolved because, somehow, every conversation goes back to something I said or did years ago.
I’ve tried apologising, making amends, and even avoiding certain topics altogether, but nothing seems to work. It’s as if she holds onto every mistake I’ve ever made, and it all comes back to haunt me whenever we’re at odds. I know marriage isn’t always easy, and I’ve accepted that disagreements will happen, but it feels like she’s never going to calm down or let things go. I don’t want to keep rehashing the same old arguments over and over.
I’m starting to wonder if we’ll ever reach a point where we can just move forward without dragging the past into every disagreement. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. Is there any way to help her let go of the past? Or am I just going to have to accept that this is how things will always be? Thanks for any advice you can offer.
Fed Up Husband
Dear Fed Up Husband,
I know how hard it must be to carry the weight of unresolved conflicts for so many years and I believe you when you say it is frustrating. It sounds to me like you have tried to find peace in your marriage, but the cycle of your wife bringing up old hurts is leaving you feeling stuck and frustrated.
When past grievances keep surfacing, it often indicates that there are lingering emotions or unmet needs beneath the surface. It may not be about the specific issues from the past, but rather about how your wife feels those issues were handled. Sometimes, when we don’t feel fully heard or understood, we hold onto those feelings, and they come up again and again. Your wife might still be hurting, not because she wants to hold a grudge, but because the pain from those moments hasn’t healed.
You’ve already taken important steps by apologising and trying to make amends, and that shows your heart is in the right place. But instead of avoiding the past or waiting for it to stop being brought up, it might help to approach these conversations differently.
Schedule some time with her in a private and relaxing environment and start off by thanking her for being your wife and for all the good things she has done for the marriage and then jump into the issue. You could try asking her directly how these unresolved issues still affect her and what she needs to feel closure. Let her know you’re open to truly listening, and that you’re committed to moving forward together.
It may also be helpful to find ways to express your feelings of exhaustion and frustration in a non-confrontational way. You have the right to feel heard and understood too. Sharing how this constant rehashing of old arguments is affecting you emotionally, and how it’s preventing the relationship from growing, might help her see the toll it’s taking on both of you. Please make sure you take care of yourself by having an emotional and physical outlet.
Lastly, if you haven’t already, consider seeking support from a therapist or counsellor. Sometimes having an unbiased third party can open doors to better communication and help you both heal from past wounds.
Please know that change is possible, and even though you’re feeling fed up right now, there is hope for finding a new way of communicating and building peace in your marriage.
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