Dear Koren,
I have a simple question for you. The vows people say, “for better for worse till death do us part”, to me can be used to make a person have to put up with anything. Do you think it makes sense in this day and age?
Man considering marriage
Dear Man considering marriage:
Your question is not simple at all. Many a man and woman … mostly men though, have listened to the classic wedding vows—beautiful, poetic, and, let’s be honest, a little terrifying when you really think about them and paused!! “For better, for worse, till death do us part” sounds noble in theory, but let’s not pretend it wasn’t written in a time when “worse” meant your husband came home with muddy boots. Now these days, worse can mean emotional neglect, financial irresponsibility, infidelity, drug use, physical abuse and a host of other issues.
Do these vows still make sense today? Well, that depends on how you define “worse.” If “worse” means dealing with life’s normal ups and downs together—illness, financial struggles, career setbacks—then yes, commitment through challenges is what makes a relationship strong. But if “worse” means enduring mistreatment, disrespect, or a relationship that drains the life out of you like a phone on 1% battery with no charger in sight… then no, you are not contractually obligated to suffer indefinitely.
Many of us are Bible followers and want to believe in the concept of unconditional love and forever. I personally like the concept too, but as a counselor, I would never, ever encourage someone to stay in a marriage where he or she is being abused.
Marriage is about partnership, not punishment. The vows are meant to be a promise of support, not a life sentence. In this day and age, we also recognize the importance of mental and emotional well-being. Love should uplift, not trap.
So, should we modernize the vows? Maybe something like: “For better, for worse—but with boundaries.” “For richer, for poorer—but let’s also have financial goals.” “Till death do us part—but let’s keep growing together, not just coexisting.”
Commitment is beautiful when it’s mutual, healthy, and evolving. But remember, love should neverbe a justification for enduring the unacceptable.
I know people can adjust the words of their vows, so discuss with your partner and the minister or marriage official what your options are. I also want to emphasize the value of choosing carefully who you decide to settle down with. Get to know the person inside and out before committing. Also, do the best you can to make the marriage beautiful so no one wants to leave. Challenges will come and sometimes they will knock you to your knees, but build a life worth fighting for.
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