Dear Koren,
I’m 19 years old and in my second year at State College and when I try to have conversations with my mother about what to do after, she keeps pushing ideas that doesn’t sit right with me. Right now, to be honest, I’m feeling really confused and frustrated. She constantly talks about how I need to find a “good man” and how men won’t like me if I don’t lose weight because, in her words, “men don’t like fat girls”.
She also tells me to date guys who are “well-off” and make sure they can provide for me. I get it that she came from a poor background and had to struggle with us as I’m the eldest and my dad doesn’t help. I know she’s trying to look out for me but these conversations are really starting to make me feel uncomfortable.
I want to focus on building my own life, being independent, and learning to stand on my own two feet. It feels like she’s encouraging me to rely on men or even be a gold digger, which is the last thing I want. I’d rather be proud of who I am and what I can achieve on my own, but I don’t know how to express that to her without hurting her feelings.
I don’t want to completely dismiss what she’s saying, but I also feel like I have a different path in mind for myself. How do I tell her this in a way that’s respectful but also gets the point across? She really is a good person. Also, am I naïve to think love is more important than money?
Confused Daughter
Dear Confused Daughter,
It sounds like you’re caught in a difficult place between wanting to please your mother, while at the same time feeling an urge to honour your own values and create a life that reflects who you truly are.
First, let’s start with compassion for both you and your mom. It’s clear she wants the best for you and is likely coming from a place of fear and love. Given her struggles as a single parent and her background, her perspective on needing financial stability and finding a “good man” makes sense.
She may want you to avoid the hardships she endured, and in her mind, aligning with a financially secure partner might seem like the best way to ensure that. Her focus on appearance and weight is probably shaped by societal standards she grew up with, which can sometimes be difficult to shake off even though people are now more into self-acceptance.
However, you are a young woman with your own vision of independence and self-sufficiency. Your desire to be proud of your own achievements and to build a life where you stand strong on your own is not only admirable but empowering. You’re right to listen to that voice within yourself – the one that urges you to focus on your growth and personal journey.
It’s important to approach this conversation with your mom gently, but with confidence in your values. You could start by acknowledging that you appreciate her looking out for you. Let her know you understand why she emphasises financial security, but that you feel strongly about becoming independent first.
You might say something like, “Mom, I really appreciate all the advice you’ve given me and how much you care about my future. I know your experiences have shaped how you see things, but I feel that it’s important for me to build a life where I can stand on my own two feet. I want to achieve things for myself and not rely on anyone else for that.”
In terms of your concern about whether you’re being naïve about love, the truth is, love and money both play a role in relationships, but they aren’t mutually exclusive. Love is important but as local parlance says, “you can’t love on hungry belly”.
Financial security is a practical consideration, but it doesn’t have to be the sole focus. It’s perfectly reasonable to want love that’s built on more than just financial stability, and finding someone who respects your independence and shares your goals is key.
It’s also okay to explain to your mom that you’re figuring things out. You could say, “I’m still learning about who I am and what I want in a partner, but I believe love is about mutual respect and support, not just financial provision.”
Remember, this is a conversation that may take time. It’s okay if she doesn’t understand your perspective right away. What’s important is that you’re true to yourself and patient with the process.
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